No die, thank you.

I keep questioning about life recently. I really wanna die. There are lot of reasons that make me wanna die.

First, I feel like I'm useless. I can help no one. (I know someone will be mad at me if I say this). I wonder why God give me life. Why am I alive. What for? But someone has said that God have purpose for creating every single creature, so that they will be useful for others. But I don't have much usefulness. If I die, My Mom can be focus on my sisters and brothers. Her burden will be less. She doesn't have to hear my nagging. My friends too. I don't wanna be a burden to anyone. I wanna help a very important person in my life. But I still can't. I'm not brave enough to help this person. Though I often see this person in misery, barely survive, but this person is very strong. Stronger than anyone who I know in this world. I wanna help her, but I always become a burden. I'm useless.

Second, I feel like I am not loved. I doubt people who said that they love me. my family. my friends. Though I believe that every human has humanity, kindness, but I can't deny that there are some human who have no humanity. heartless. And those people make me believe that this world is a bad world. 나쁜 세상... And those people make me feel lonely. Like there is no one to be trusted. Though I trust this one friend of mine when I trust no one, but I still have the thought of distrust her. And this friend of mine, she doesn't like it when I said that I am not loved, no one wants me. that kind of words. I know she's a little bit tired of me sometimes. And sometimes I question about our friendship. 나쁜 나.. Though I think I already know my friends so well, I still don't have any idea about them. Like I don't understand them. And they don't understand me. I feel rejected. unloved.

Furthermore, I don't want to live without my friends They are my family too. I know a quote said "If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day. so I don't have to live without you". I already feel like I live without them. That's why I don't wanna live. And I don't wanna know more about the pain of this world. I hate to see people live in pain. But the world keep showing me pain.

Also, I don't understand myself anymore. I can't. I don't know who live inside this body. I feel like I'm crazy. I wanna scream, but I can't. I wanna act like crazy, but I can't. even now I can't really cry when I'm sad. my sadness is mixed with anger, pain, disgust, hatred. Though I have a great hatred to this world, I still think that it's nice to be alive. I still believe in God. No matter what,, I can feel God. And God hate people who take their own life, not appreciating what God have given. The only reason I don't wanna commit a suicide is God. But if God take me, I will be grateful. But worry that I'm not good enough to meet God.

Though I know the fact that the world is not a nice place, I still can say that my life is good enough to know someone like my Mom, sisters and brothers, and my friends (my extended family). I should be grateful that I know a lot of nice people.

Thank you for coming into my life, 친구...

Last Days

After departing from my high school friends, (temporarily, then we'll meet again), I feel like I'm going to die soon. Like I just have a few days to live. That's why someday I made them angry by saying that I was dead using my college friend's name. And my friends, they were really mad at me. well, that was purely my fault. I didn't think straight that time.
I want to say that I love them everyday. But I'm afraid that they'll get sick because of that. And I stopped sms them, say that I love them, that I miss them. But in my heart, I really really really want to say those words to them. I'm afraid every single day that I'm going to die, feel like today is my last day.
And even now, I feel like I'm going to die. And I want to say 'I Love You' to the people I love, every single time. To my Mom, my sisters, my brothers, Ajanti, Nadira, Anjani, Anin, and the other friends. I want to say "I Love You" to this world.
Even I feel like I'm going to die everyday, I don't want to die yet. I haven't become a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. And I'm not good enough to meet God.
Despite all of the death thoughts, I always love. It is Love that make me withstand all of the obstacles in this life.



to be continued...

I am Sorry

I am sorry for you. For not being able to say those words. I really want to say those words. the words that have been in my mind for years.

I am sorry. I am sorry for being afraid of those words. I am sorry for being a coward. I am sorry for being afraid of my feeling. I am sorry for being scared of not being able to forget and replace you.

I am really sorry.

I am sorry that i doubt about my feeling. I am sorry for saying that I am sorry.

Though I always keep this for me, only for me. And I will always keep this, forever. Sometimes I feel that you already know what are the words that I really want to say to you...

I am really sorry for not being able to say that I Love You.

Leaves of Grass

Whoever you are holding me now in hand,
Without one thing all will be useless,
I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?
The way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive,

You would have to give up all else,
I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard,
You novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives
around you would have to be abandoned,
Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further,
let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down and depart on your way.


Walt Whitman

Am I intuitive?

it's the result of the test four:

I have Strong Intuitive feeling. Most intuitive people talk about their faculty rather as though they possessed sensitive feelers, like those of certain insects, that can detect very slight changes in their environment. the down side of being highly intuitive is that you may be less observant of facts than other people. you may also find it hard to convince the people around you of the validity of your feelings when forced to concede that they are 'only' based on intuitive insight.