No die, thank you.

I keep questioning about life recently. I really wanna die. There are lot of reasons that make me wanna die.

First, I feel like I'm useless. I can help no one. (I know someone will be mad at me if I say this). I wonder why God give me life. Why am I alive. What for? But someone has said that God have purpose for creating every single creature, so that they will be useful for others. But I don't have much usefulness. If I die, My Mom can be focus on my sisters and brothers. Her burden will be less. She doesn't have to hear my nagging. My friends too. I don't wanna be a burden to anyone. I wanna help a very important person in my life. But I still can't. I'm not brave enough to help this person. Though I often see this person in misery, barely survive, but this person is very strong. Stronger than anyone who I know in this world. I wanna help her, but I always become a burden. I'm useless.

Second, I feel like I am not loved. I doubt people who said that they love me. my family. my friends. Though I believe that every human has humanity, kindness, but I can't deny that there are some human who have no humanity. heartless. And those people make me believe that this world is a bad world. 나쁜 세상... And those people make me feel lonely. Like there is no one to be trusted. Though I trust this one friend of mine when I trust no one, but I still have the thought of distrust her. And this friend of mine, she doesn't like it when I said that I am not loved, no one wants me. that kind of words. I know she's a little bit tired of me sometimes. And sometimes I question about our friendship. 나쁜 나.. Though I think I already know my friends so well, I still don't have any idea about them. Like I don't understand them. And they don't understand me. I feel rejected. unloved.

Furthermore, I don't want to live without my friends They are my family too. I know a quote said "If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day. so I don't have to live without you". I already feel like I live without them. That's why I don't wanna live. And I don't wanna know more about the pain of this world. I hate to see people live in pain. But the world keep showing me pain.

Also, I don't understand myself anymore. I can't. I don't know who live inside this body. I feel like I'm crazy. I wanna scream, but I can't. I wanna act like crazy, but I can't. even now I can't really cry when I'm sad. my sadness is mixed with anger, pain, disgust, hatred. Though I have a great hatred to this world, I still think that it's nice to be alive. I still believe in God. No matter what,, I can feel God. And God hate people who take their own life, not appreciating what God have given. The only reason I don't wanna commit a suicide is God. But if God take me, I will be grateful. But worry that I'm not good enough to meet God.

Though I know the fact that the world is not a nice place, I still can say that my life is good enough to know someone like my Mom, sisters and brothers, and my friends (my extended family). I should be grateful that I know a lot of nice people.

Thank you for coming into my life, 친구...

Last Days

After departing from my high school friends, (temporarily, then we'll meet again), I feel like I'm going to die soon. Like I just have a few days to live. That's why someday I made them angry by saying that I was dead using my college friend's name. And my friends, they were really mad at me. well, that was purely my fault. I didn't think straight that time.
I want to say that I love them everyday. But I'm afraid that they'll get sick because of that. And I stopped sms them, say that I love them, that I miss them. But in my heart, I really really really want to say those words to them. I'm afraid every single day that I'm going to die, feel like today is my last day.
And even now, I feel like I'm going to die. And I want to say 'I Love You' to the people I love, every single time. To my Mom, my sisters, my brothers, Ajanti, Nadira, Anjani, Anin, and the other friends. I want to say "I Love You" to this world.
Even I feel like I'm going to die everyday, I don't want to die yet. I haven't become a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. And I'm not good enough to meet God.
Despite all of the death thoughts, I always love. It is Love that make me withstand all of the obstacles in this life.



to be continued...

I am Sorry

I am sorry for you. For not being able to say those words. I really want to say those words. the words that have been in my mind for years.

I am sorry. I am sorry for being afraid of those words. I am sorry for being a coward. I am sorry for being afraid of my feeling. I am sorry for being scared of not being able to forget and replace you.

I am really sorry.

I am sorry that i doubt about my feeling. I am sorry for saying that I am sorry.

Though I always keep this for me, only for me. And I will always keep this, forever. Sometimes I feel that you already know what are the words that I really want to say to you...

I am really sorry for not being able to say that I Love You.