I keep questioning about life recently. I really wanna die. There are lot of reasons that make me wanna die.
First, I feel like I'm useless. I can help no one. (I know someone will be mad at me if I say this). I wonder why God give me life. Why am I alive. What for? But someone has said that God have purpose for creating every single creature, so that they will be useful for others. But I don't have much usefulness. If I die, My Mom can be focus on my sisters and brothers. Her burden will be less. She doesn't have to hear my nagging. My friends too. I don't wanna be a burden to anyone. I wanna help a very important person in my life. But I still can't. I'm not brave enough to help this person. Though I often see this person in misery, barely survive, but this person is very strong. Stronger than anyone who I know in this world. I wanna help her, but I always become a burden. I'm useless.
Second, I feel like I am not loved. I doubt people who said that they love me. my family. my friends. Though I believe that every human has humanity, kindness, but I can't deny that there are some human who have no humanity. heartless. And those people make me believe that this world is a bad world. 나쁜 세상... And those people make me feel lonely. Like there is no one to be trusted. Though I trust this one friend of mine when I trust no one, but I still have the thought of distrust her. And this friend of mine, she doesn't like it when I said that I am not loved, no one wants me. that kind of words. I know she's a little bit tired of me sometimes. And sometimes I question about our friendship. 나쁜 나.. Though I think I already know my friends so well, I still don't have any idea about them. Like I don't understand them. And they don't understand me. I feel rejected. unloved.
Furthermore, I don't want to live without my friends They are my family too. I know a quote said "If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day. so I don't have to live without you". I already feel like I live without them. That's why I don't wanna live. And I don't wanna know more about the pain of this world. I hate to see people live in pain. But the world keep showing me pain.
Also, I don't understand myself anymore. I can't. I don't know who live inside this body. I feel like I'm crazy. I wanna scream, but I can't. I wanna act like crazy, but I can't. even now I can't really cry when I'm sad. my sadness is mixed with anger, pain, disgust, hatred. Though I have a great hatred to this world, I still think that it's nice to be alive. I still believe in God. No matter what,, I can feel God. And God hate people who take their own life, not appreciating what God have given. The only reason I don't wanna commit a suicide is God. But if God take me, I will be grateful. But worry that I'm not good enough to meet God.
Though I know the fact that the world is not a nice place, I still can say that my life is good enough to know someone like my Mom, sisters and brothers, and my friends (my extended family). I should be grateful that I know a lot of nice people.
Thank you for coming into my life, 친구...
